After 18 or so years I have quit smoking. At least I think I quit. Once something gets a hold of you, like smoking, when can you say you actually quit? In a year, two, when I die? Screw it, at some point I am going to have a smoke, you know it, I know it, even Philip Morris knows it. The real question is will said future smoke send me back to where I was just a few weeks ago - sucking on camel lights like I could get a new pair of lungs with enough camel cash.
And the answer is no, N-O, I am done with smoking. Because it was killing me? Nope. Because it was killing others around me? Nope, some of them I was doing a favor. I figured out there were three reasons I smoked:
1. Chemical dependency - gotta get that fix!
2. I love it - its cool and you meet the craziest people.
3. I get bored.
One and two speak for themselves. Smoking is addictive as hell and after a while dictates how you plan your day. Going to work? Got enough smokes to make until lunch when you can get more? No, better get up earlier to get some. Going out to the bar? Got enough to share with the social smokers? Better get 2 packs. It may not seem like much, but over 18 years that is a lot of wasted energy, good bye great American novel. But I loved it, smoking is very social. I cannot tell you how many people I have interacted with over a smoke in the past 18 years. Whether its some flight attendant at an airport or some drunk meat head at a bar, smoking leads to some great stories. I loved watching drunks light cigarettes backwards, I let them do it every time, just for my own petty amusement. So how does someone who is addicted and loves smoking quit? Oddly enough, with more drugs!
Thanks to Chantix, which was developed when some folks making anti-depressants found one that made people smoke less. In case you flunked bio, in your body are receptors which account for things such as pleasure. Nicotine receptors are 'happy' when you smoke and your brain gets so into that pleasure it goes 'ape shit' when you don't smoke. Chantix blocks that pleasant release from the receptors. No more twitching or freaking out, since your brain can forget rather quickly about the receptors pleasure inducing release. Say goodbye to that sensation that makes you want run through people to get off a plane so you can get your sweet, tasty fix you need so badly. Without that fix every smoke feels broken, like they left something out at the factory. I found myself staring at my first smoke on the drug wondering what happened!? No literally staring! No fix intensifies the taste, or makes you aware of it, which is not good without the receptors two cents. Oh and forget about chain smoking, without the fix and with the taste and that heaviness you suddenly notice, ugh. Hold up - its not a miracle cure, no fix makes it easier, a lot easier, damn its pretty easy on this stuff - but still leaves you with the psychological impact of long term smoking, or more simply put - the nasty habit.
Anytime I finished a task, or had trouble starting something I could always use a the tobacco flavored treat to jump start my productivity. Like a dog that won't sit when you tell him, but will be your bitch for a biscuit, I'll do a lot for a smoke. Smoking kept me going, or at least so I thought. Once I started on the drug I thought quitting would be a cake walk, but even with bad taste I still got the urge to smoke. Especially on the weekends. Then I realized it, I was bored. I went out to smoke - on commercials, while my wife played video games I did not like, after surviving a walk with our dog, after diner. Basically anytime something was 'finished' or anytime 'I lost interest'. That realization freaked me out, but more importantly pissed me off. You see I pride myself on discipline and a strong work ethic. When I was slapped in the face with the fact that I was killing time, killing myself, I quickly realized how lame my smoking had become. I always complain that I do not have time to relax and do all the things I want to do, that life is sometimes about half-assing things because no one has enough time. Now there is some truth to that, but faced with the fact that I was wasting time, a lot of time, ignoring important things so I could smoke, made me feel dumb and mad.
So I finished my last pack and said thats it, no more. It was not easy, but it was not hard either. With the drug there was no constant droning in my head telling me something is not right. The thought pops in my head, a smoke would be nice, and that voice is quickly squashed by, go for a run, take out the trash, pick up a book. The longer I go without, the quieter that voice gets. At the same time I am constantly confronted with how dumb I have been. The other night I walked the dog, went for a run, did the dishes, took out the trash and made lunch for the next day. When I was finished it was 8:30pm. When I smoked I was lucky to be starting the walk by 7:45, and likely to skip either making a lunch or doing the dishes, and finished by 9:30pm. As if I needed another reminder about time wasted!
Oh and work? Well I used to think not smoking would hurt my productivity because of those bargains I made with my self about finishing a task and then having a smoke. Well guess what. I spend more time surfing blogs these days and still get more done. On top of that, I tend to get tasks done with fewer bugs. I think that at the end of a task I was already halfway out the door with a smoke and losing focus. I also used to be out smoking and remember forgeting some piece or step in what I just finished. Now, things just get done, at a nice constant, easy, relaxing, pace. Man was I wrong.
I am getting older and maybe my body is backing me up, with the pipes clearing my body seems more eager to tackle the tasks, or may be its the brain - without being preoccupied with smoking my brain is thinking how to get everything done before a game starts, or maybe its the anti-depressent and I am happier. I think was still pretty happy before, so its not the drug. I do think the cloud of crap over my brain and body is a huge part of my renewed productivity and feeling good about myself. Fortunately I found not smoking can be pretty addictive.
P.S. I really dislike that last sentence which reads like a preachy after school special. You know, where a prententous ass gives the moral, but the whole thing drives the message over the top to the point where its so unbelieveable you have no porblem saying that 'won't be me' and lighting up a smoke before the credits are over. You know like the character gives his friend, an olympic swimmer, cancer from second hand smoke and crushes his dreams. It turns out the friend does not have health insurance so he has to die at home with his mom caring for him Then the smoker goes to an ivy league college and becomes a lawyer who then takes on the tobacco company and wins. After that he gets an award and tells his sad story to the public and begs for forgiveness, when out of no where the mother of his friend comes up and cries and hugs him.
I can also see it in a sitcom ending with a crappy music montage over the some eighties song that does not quite fit like Journey's Oh Cherrie, or Poison's Every Rose Has its Thorn, where some dude wins the lottery the same day he finds out he has lung cancer. Then some frail looking judgemental chic is walking in slow motion and gives a sad helpless look and the guy hands her the ticket because he is dying anyway.
Or even worse another played episode of Scrubs where J.D. is distraught over the whole smoking situation for like 25 minutes and then gets distracted by Elliot's tight ass (or is it the roundness) or a fast-talking tongue lashing by Dr. Cox. It would be set to the music of some new Indy band. Of course that Indy band won't be cool anymore because they are discovered and have made it, big time, and their fans only liked them because they were 'undergound'.
I guess sometimes we just know how to blind ourselves to the truth that is right in front of us. Oh god I sound like a jack ass, the only thing separating me from an evangelist is an audience, mirrors, and properly placed 'Praise Jesus' remarks.
Shit, I need a smoke.
Maybe I should submit this as a testamonial to Chantix?
The Nats could have at least dive and run - make some of those little effort plays that sometimes make all the difference, but they didn't. They strained, struggled, possibily even puked but forgot the most important thing of all - their job, which incase any Nats are reading is to play ball. We remind them every night right before the game, so 'PLAY BALL' Nationals, win lose, just play ball already. The DL excuse is getting pathetic, this is your team, your season, and your crappy record. Frank Robinson never would have let you get this bad.
