100 Things I Cannot do on Metro

Inspired by the famous Skippy's list: 213 Things Skippy can no longer do in the Army, I compiled a list of 100 things that I cannot do on the metro. The list contains things that have crossed my mind while waiting for a train - I actually have never done these things. Some of the items pertain to things I have seen while riding the metro, breast feeding for example.

1. I cannot push people down the escalator when they stand on the left.
2. I cannot push people down the escalator when they walk slowly down the left side.
3. I cannot have the person's bag if it hangs out to the left and blocks me from going down the escalator at a fast pace.
4. I cannot refer to someone taking a long time to add money to their fare card as 'mission control'.
5. The money train is not for Metro VIPs.
6. I am not a Metro VIP.
7. I cannot tell someone listening to music so loud I can hear it to skip to the next track, because "that song is whack".
8. I cannot sing/rap along to music people listen so loud that I can hear it.
9. If someone gives me a dirty look for sitting in the priority seats its not OK for me to start twitching and speaking to myself.
10. If someone gives me a dirty look for sitting in the priority seats I am not allowed to verify they are senior citizens by checking their drivers license.
11. The door closing chime has nothing to do with musical chairs.
12. When there is a crowd waiting to get on a train its not ok to treat the people coming off the train like they are walking down the red carpet.
13. When someone tries to trade their messed up fare card for my cash I cannot refer them to the station manager.
14. When someone is caught off guard by a sudden stop or change in speed I cannot run up and hold out my hands and say "I'll catch ya!"
15. When someone is caught off guard by a sudden stop or change in speed and I run up and hold out my hands and say "I'll catch ya!", I cannot pull my hands back suddenly and let them fall.
16. I am not the only one who is allowed to make the holds warm from my grip.
17. When I stand in front of the metro map and someone looks around me to see it I am not allowed to move to block their view.
18. When I stand in front of the metro map and someone looks around me to see it I am not allowed to tell them metro center was two stops ago.
19. When there is only one person in the seat, and they take the aisle seat I cannot get giddy and start talking about how awesome the window seat is.
20. When someone tries to pass me before the train comes to a stop I am not allowed to trip them 'accidentally'.
21. When someone shares the seat next me and makes a lot of physical contact I am not allowed to put my arm around them.
22. When someone stares at me for reading a comic or star wars novel I am not allowed to start reading out loud.
23. When someone stares at me for reading a comic or star wars novel I am not allowed to make sound affects.
24. If I have claimed the space behind the divider at the front, next to the door, and someone inches in there I am not allowed to inch closer to them.
25. If I have claimed the space behind the divider at the front, next to the door, and someone inches in there I am not allowed to talk about my rash.
26. If two people are having a loud conversation about someone they know I am not allowed to pretend that I know the person they are talking about.
27. When I see people that work with my wife and try to say hi but am ignored, I am not allowed to approach them and I pretend I work at their law firm.
28. When I see people that work with my wife and try to say hi but am ignored, I am not allowed to approach them and I pretend I work at their law firm and ask them if they finished the brief I assigned them.
29. When someone tells everyone to move to the middle so they can get on the train I am not allowed to say "I call shotgun".
30. When someone tells everyone to move to the middle so they can get on the train I am not allowed to tell them to use the middle door.
31. When someone tells everyone to move to the middle so they can get on the train it's not a race thing.
32. When someone tells everyone to move to the middle so they can get on the train and I refuse I am not making a political statement.
33. When someone pushes me so far away so I no longer have a handle to grab I cannot grab onto them instead.
34. When someone is exiting the metro station and someone repeatedly puts the same fare card in they are not paying for me.
35. When someone is exiting the metro station and someone repeatedly puts the same fare card in I am not allowed to yell "You're out!" on their 3rd try.
36. When someone is exiting the metro station and someone repeatedly puts the same fare card, and the person jumps over to my line its not because they want to pay my fare.
37. When a group stops at the bottom of the escalator and blocks other people I am not allowed to walk up pretend I am with them.
38. When kids on the metro talk loudly and say, "You wanna know something", I am not allowed to walk over and show interest.
39. When the trains are delayed and someone makes a phone call to tell people they are running late, I am not allowed to take out my phone and make fake call and say 'Go ahead and start the surgery without me, I need time to sober up anyway."
40. When the trains are delayed and someone vocalizes their frustration, I am not allowed to walk up and try and console them.
41. When the trains are delayed due to a sick passenger they do not mean mentally ill. Not necessarily.
    
42. When the metro announces delays I am not allowed to put my hands over my ears and yell, "la-la-la I can't hear you!", over and over until the announcement is done.
43. When the metro announces PSA's I am not allowed to put my hands over my ears and yell, "la-la-la I can't hear you!", over and over until the announcement is done.
44. When the metro announces the next stop I am not allowed to say man, "I am glad I am not going to that stop, that place sucks ass!"
45. When a lot of people are getting off the metro I am not allowed to say goodbye to each person individually.
46. When you are on a super crowded train, armpit to face, its not ok for me to call out "Junior, where are you?"
47. When I see someone eating or drinking on the metro I am not allowed to collect the fine on behalf of MTA.
48. Hogzilla does not live in the metro tunnels.
49. I am not allowed to use "insufferable prick line" in place of "red line".
50. The train driver does not think its OK for me to press my face against the tinted glass so I can see where the train is going.
51. When the train is stopping its not ok to yell "Hold on everyone!"
52. When the train is coming to the stop its not ok for me to stand by the opposite doors, and slap doors when the chime goes off.
53. When the religous crack pots pass out Jesus trading cards I am not allowed to write an X on it and give it back to them.
54. When the religous crack pots pass out Jesus trading cards I am not allowed to draw devil horns on it and give it back to them.
55. When there is a bum sleeping in the corner by the escalator at Du Pont and there is a metro cop there, its not a sting operation to identify people that stand on the left.
56. When people stand on the left instead of the right and leave a path on the right they are not just moving in slow motion.
57. When people stand on the left instead of the right and leave a path on the right they are not from england. Not necessarily.
    
58. Kids yelling on the metro is not connected to an ear infection epidemic.
59. Those little things from Wrath of Kahn will not crawl into your ears if you talk on the metro.
60. The money train is not used to transport toxic waste out of the city.
61. My boss did not tell metro to only extend the yellow line during non-rush hour so I would work later.
62. Its not funny to put my arm in my coat and let the sleeve get stuck in the door.
63. When the driver says there is train directly behind this one its not to hurry us onto the train so things can keep moving.
64. When the driver tells you to use all open doors he does mean its a challenge to see how many doors you can get in and out of before they close.
65. I am not allowed to tap a sleeping passenger on the shoulder and pretend its the guy next to me.
66. I am not allowed to use "paranoid tight ass line" in place of "red line".
67. I am not allowed to use "dissatisfied single middle manager line" in place of "red line".
68. The reason there is no metro stop in georgetown has nothing to do the georgetown tight asses not wanting me in their neighborhood.
69. Metro Police are not Morlocks.
70. When the train stops every 10 feet they are not testing the passengers susceptibility to nausea.
71. When the train stops every 10 feet its not because the driver is afraid of breaking the sound barrier.
72. The access card to my office building will not work in place of my smart trip.
73. It's not my job to make sure everyone has a bad experience on the metro.
74. The metro cops do not need me to mark empty food wrappers and drink bottles as crime scenes.
75. Breast feeding on the metro is not HOT.
76. Breast feeding a 5+ year old on the metro is not performance art.
    
77. No famous rapper got his/her start rapping on the metro.
78. The kids that refuse to sit on the metro no matter what their parents say are not doing it because they idolize me.
    
79. Asking me what the Star Wars book I am reading is about actually makes you look weirder than me - it's about FUCKING Star Wars dickhead!
80. I am not allowed to collect an asshole tax from people that fight over seats.
81. When the train is crowded - arm pit to face - its not ok to throw mints in people's mouth if their breath stinks.
82. Eight car trains do not have two cars designated for smoking.
83. When a large group of people are getting on a train and some jackass forgets he needs to get off its not OK to line up and make him go through the spanking machine.
84. No one on the train is interested in a game of duck-duck-goose.
85. Its not a good idea to challenge unruly children to a game of hide and seek to shut them up.
86. Parents that turn a metro ride into story time for their kids are not freeing their evenings up so they can get sauced.
87. Parents that turn a metro ride into story time for their kids do not think its cute when I hand them a Star Wars book and say, "my turn my turn".
88. No one wants to see my moves on the stripper pole.
89. Strippers on the metro will not solve MTA's money problems.
    
90. Replacing all the seats with video games will not solve MTA's money problems.
91. The reason there is there is no metro line to Georgetown has nothing to do a secret underground facility where Cheney is cloning a Reagan / Bush hybrid.
92. The absence of Truant enforcers on metro platforms is not because they are as scared of those kids as I am.
93. Metro cops do not think a gopher, mole, rat, prarie dog, or worm would make a good mascot.
94. Throwing change in a kids stroller is not a friendly gesture.
95. The burning stench in the metro is not to cover up women that wear too much perfume.
96. Cars do not share the same track because they are lonely.
97. Train drivers do not make use of trucker bombs because there are no bathrooms on the train.
98. No matter how hard I wish, Metro will never put in a vertical loop on the tracks.
99. Being able to ride metro without touching any holds or rails is not a skill I can put on my resume.
100. When a train listed on the destination board appears with dashes, its not because that train is going to the island in Lost.